While I was occupied
overthrowing tyrants, righting wrongs, saving kitties stranded in the branches
of tall trees, rescuing damsels in distress, and trying to sleep in, June
It’s not like I need to
apologize to my blog for benignly neglecting it; or to explain why my life
lately has been filled with horrible medical calamities; natural disasters and
acts of a vengeful god; exciting adventures involving unicorns and glitter;
travels to exotic locals, culinary experiments that resulted in indescribable
bliss, pilgrimages to religious shrines where I experienced a miraculous cure
for my lifelong chronic athlete’s foot; or that I’ve finally managed to sleep
late. Because who cares, right?
I also haven’t been too busy checking
my Facebook page hourly to be sure I take the latest stupid test to find out
what kind of musical instrument/kitchen implement/implantable medical device/Harry
Potter character, or terminal disease I am. Because the internets are the only
path to self-discovery through a dozen multiple choice questions yo. Nor have I
been too busy reading posts by people who bloviate about something positively
banal (or worse, christian extremism or political folly) and then say “share if
you agree”. I do admit I’ve spent some time trying to decide which bothers me
more, and instead have concluded that, sadly, I have only myself to blame that
my FB page is cluttered with such crap because my choice of FB friends has been
a bit indiscriminate and over-hasty. Sadly, herein art imitates life.
More importantly, I decline to succumb to what I’ve seen so many bloggers do when they revive a dormant
blog: whinge about how my recent life has sucked - as if people might possibly give a shit or
send me virtual hugs and relevant googled motivational quotes of which I would
otherwise remain woefully ignorant.
It’s none of that. It’s NSA,
people. They may be on to me. I think they may know what I had for breakfast (despite
the fact that I swallowed the last bite as I finished the previous paragraph,
and I already can’t remember what was on the plate). I fear that NSA may have
discovered my secret identity, or my embarrassing sexual
fetishes that involve plush toys and organic produce, or worse, my real weight.
So I’ve been hiding in my
fallout shelter – or whatever the kids are calling bunkers today – reading back
issues of The Paris Review and eating bloated cans of spaghetti-Os and hoping
I’ll drop off the NSA radar and that my latest flare-up of paranoia will
subside. Either that or I’ve been in rehab after one too many drunken blackouts
where I awoke next to a dead hooker wearing a bloodstained clown costume, and
lost the costume rental deposit because I didn’t use my Oxy-pen soon enough to
remove the blood. And don't think I'm stupid enough to commit to the internets which one of us was wearing the clown costume.
Or maybe, - just maybe - I’ve
evolved. I’ve taken my own advice that the virtual world is a pale shadow of
the real world and I’d rather inhabit the 3-D world and enjoy the clover while I still can.
Maybe I’ve found my inner deity
and reconnected with the earth.
Or maybe (and frankly, more likely) I’ve had my medications adjusted to
the point where I can actually garden a bit in nice weather without having to
spend the night covered in flop-sweat while my pulse tops out at 145 before
subsiding enough to let me sleep.
Maybe, I’ve decided that
blathering online about my life is narcissistic and self-defeating. Maybe I've concluded that I could
be enjoying an actual life in the real world, while the virtual world continues
its plummet to hell without me.
( Title Credit: Lewis Carroll. Illustration credit: Yuji Kamozawa)