I have a car with a programmable
audible navigation system and a map.In
theory, I should never get lost. In fact, I do get lost. Here. In this town
where I’ve lived most of my life.
Not hopelessly lost where I’d
starve to death and be found in ten years by hikers; or even tragically lost
where I’d be found slightly decomposed within days - like the bodies at the
beginning of an episode of CSI. But I tend to turn left when my final
destination is on the right and I should know this by now dammit.
I could make the excuse about
the main highway that runs through my valley is Route 8 – an east-west road
that goes from Arizona to the Pacific Ocean. When Route 8 goes through my
valley however, it is actually going north to south, making a big zig-zag to
take advantage of passes leading into and out of the valley. That also means
that the dozens of secondary roads that criss-cross the valley also tend to
veer from their primary north/south path to east/west in some places. Or I could admit that I’m
directionally challenged, which is why I was such a failure as a professional
feng-shui consultant that my clients’ homes were being possessed by evil
spirits and demons.
But now with my navigation system, whose voice is named
Louella, by the way, I no longer need to fear this lack of directional ability
- as long as I can program in the address of my destination.
At any rate, I got lost coming
home the other night after I dropped a friend off in a part of town I rarely
visit. We used Louella to get us there, but I figured I’d find my own way home
without her guidance. Which I did, eventually. I was weak with hunger and dizzy
from low blood sugar, and I seriously had to pee. But I found a new scenic
route that covered 35 miles to return from a destination 20 miles from home.
Instead of worrying about
getting lost, I can now work on developing my latest superpower: using power
tools. I promise to only use my power tools for good, never to do evil, or
trepanning, or to slice body parts small enough to fit in my compost bin. At
least not until I get a bone saw blade for my reciprocating saw. Sadly, Home
Depot does not stock them. But I bet Amazon does.