Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Bad News, Everyone

"Certainly it constitutes bad news when the people who agree with you are buggier than batshit."
— Philip K. Dick

I live in a place that can be charitably described as redneck adjacent. There is a camel that lives in a tiny suburban ranch a few blocks from my house, along with a few horses, the occasional goat and donkey. We have inexplicably named the camel Elizabeth, and we get worried if we don’t see her outside when we drive by. I have claimed to spot penguins in one corral, and once I’m pretty sure I saw a unicorn. Nobody in my circle of friends gives credence to my exotic animal sighting claims - particularly the unicorn, because I’m admittedly not a virgin.

So, the Lakeside rodeo, or at least a rodeo is coming up. One prominent sign hangs from a crane next door to a Burger King, because apparently the demographic that goes to rodeos pays attention to signs hanging from cranes while eating their burgers and fries. This is either a brilliantly targeted marketing strategy, or a cheap way to get around a county ordinance requiring signs to have permits. Unfortunately, I believe there is discrimination involved in this particular rodeo. Sadly, I doubt that there is time for me to file a lawsuit on behalf of all the girls who might want to attend.

Since we were driving around the neighborhood, we decided to stop at the local space ship cult headquarters. This sign is in their parking lot: good news, everyone. You have to google Unarius Academy of Science to get the real goods on these wackjobs, but what Unarius is selling is at least as cringeworthy as the nearby Creation and Earth History Museum in Santee – literally across the tracks from the Lakeside rodeo. The Creation Museum website says: “Biblical – Accurate - Certain” which just about says it all, with the possible exception of actual scientific research findings to back up their claims.

While we do not permit fluoride in our water here, apparently this measure has not sufficed to protect our children from exposure to local freakiness. I would say that the collective intellectual output of these institutions is informed neither by education nor reflection. But then again, perhaps I’m being too hard on the rodeo bulls.

Meanwhile, I have tomatoes! So, I’ve got that going for me. That, and the unicorn.


Les said...

God said it,
it's in the Bible,
I believe it,
and that settles it.

That was the most disturbing bumper sticker I have seen in a while, but that mentality is no stranger to these parts.

However, fresh tomatoes await slicing and a place between two pieces of white bread, along with bacon, mayo and lettuce.

walk2write said...

I have decided that NW Florida is not the Promised Land, at least not if you're expecting a healthy crop of tomatoes. Churches (plural) on every block, though, are guaranteed. I wonder if the guy who used to run Dinosaur Land in Pensacola now has a hand in that Creation Museum you describe. Or is he still serving time for tax fraud? I'm not sure. You know, I have this theory that the current wackiness got started whenever amalgam fillings were all the rage among dentists. Then it really began swinging when the voracious demand for shellfish coincided with cheap imports from countries even more polluted than ours. So much mercury, so little sanity. In Shakespeare's time--maybe before--women added a healthy glow to their complexions by using mercury-laced makeup, and then there were the pewter dishes popular for years made with lead in them. Now we have plastics/processed food/who-knows-what-else to blame. Who will redeem us from this propensity to poison ourselves and believe in strange signs? Great post, WS.