Expert Testimony

“I used to be offended, but now I'm just amused...”
Elvis Costello, (The Angels Wanna Wear My) Red Shoes

I have spent several weeks listening to expert witnesses disagree under oath about technical details of building and construction codes so boring they would make my ears bleed if I had bothered to replace the batteries in my hearing aid. Kidding. Of course I listened, and took notes, and only doodled the barest minimum of time necessary to keep from smacking someone upside the head. Then, there are the liars. Well, some of them must be lying, because something can’t be metaphorically black and white at the same time unless it’s a zebra wearing an orange prison jumpsuit huddled beneath a blue tarp at midnight on the longest night of the year. In the rain. I should know, because an expert said so under oath.

Common sense and reason won’t save us here. As one expert witness said, reason is 6/7 of treason. Or maybe that was James Thurber. He also said nobody ever told him there’d be days like these. Strange days indeed. Most peculiar, Momma. Or was that a dead Beatle?

So, after going around in circles for the last several weeks, I’m thinking of going into the professional expert testimony business and wearing a business suit, and swearing to tell nothing but the truth for $500 per hour plus expenses. All that remains for me to put this brilliant plan into action is for me to settle on a specific field in which to purport to be an expert. My big brother recently mentioned that what happens in tautology club happens in tautology club. So I’ve decided that when I grow up, I want to be an expert in tautologies. Why, you (might) ask? Because that’s what I want to be when I grow up.