“The Doctor's
latest incarnation is played in by 27-year-old Matt Smith who sports a retro
academic-style look. His choice of clothing has prompted sales of bow ties to
double, according to a leading fashion retailer. In his first episode on April 3,
Smith declared "bow ties are cool" and it looks as though young
shoppers have taken his comments to heart.”
The Telegraph, Doctor Who prompts surge in popularity of
bow ties
Not all my
predictions for next year amount to quarrelsome rants. To reassure you that
it’s not all bad news I foresee in 2013 here are a few (mostly) happy fun time
predictions. Not only are bowties cool in the New Year, tattoos aren’t.
Who
are we to question The Doctor.
#4. Tattoos will cease to have any cool cachet
among suburban kids with too much disposable income.
In my crystal
ball, I see tattoos fading in 2013. New tattoos will be inked mostly by/on job
creating small business owners running meth labs, convicts using homemade
(non-radioactive) tattoo ink derived from Bic pens, and carnival sideshow
freaks. And I’ll tell you why.
#5. The Fastest Will Survive
As implausible
at this may seem, I foresee that the event precipitating this decline in
middle-class tattooing will come from an unexpected if tragic quarter. Through
the early spring into summer 2013 the epidermis of thousands of formerly hip white
kids will reach a critical mass of radioactive commercial tattoo ink and they
will spontaneously combust in dirty bomb of bad taste, tragically injuring
innocent bystanders, seniors driving Hoverounds with low batteries, obese people in mall
food courts who are not able to run beyond the blast zone fast enough, and
sadly, innocent people of good taste with a rudimentary grasp of what the skin aging
process does to tattoos. Young women with pastel butterfly tramp stamps will,
understandably, be the cause of the greatest devastation. But the good news is that the tattoo martyrs will not have died in vain. And I'll tell you why.
#5. Tattoos will be regulated, thus
ensuring only criminals have tattoos.
I predict
something good will come of this. Compassionate Americans will come together at
candlelight vigils and speak out against the tragically preventable violence of
what will become known as the Tattoo Spring. Conservative media will endorse growing
public sentiment opposing senseless violence against innocent victims. Responding
to the voices that elected them, government officials will pass laws limiting
the cumulative amount of tattoo ink that can safely be applied to a human
without turning them into the equivalent of inadvertent radioactive suicide
bombers. Incidentally, All Laser Erasing Corporations will draft such model laws.
Ok, I’m still messing with you.
May 2013 be less than you fear, more than you hope, and may J return home safely.
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