Split Decision

"Thought you were gettin' the best of me

Floatin' like a butterfly, stingin' like a bee

Thought a good fight would get it out of our system

But we walked away with a split decision…

I did my best to roll with the punches

You wore me out with fakin' and a-duckin'

Almost put me outta commission

But we walked away with a split decision

Split decision

Split decision

Everbody losin' and nobody winnin'

Just too tough, I had enough

Nobody oughta hafta fight for love"

 - Bonnie Raitt, Split Decision

Our amazing legislators pulled a rabbit out of a hat last night: half dead and missing his ears. But still, a rabbit. The title of this post is in honor of their remarkable display of negotiating skills. Based on my own professional experience as a negotiator, I evaluate at their negotiating skills to be at the approximate level of third graders fighting over the basketball at recess. I would not fathom a guess as to what amazing feats they have in store for us in the coming months.

I do however, have a final few prophecies for the coming year. I return to the War on Women.

#102.  Men will declare victory in the War on Women and go home.

I hope that this prediction comes true because it’s not funny any more. I hope in 2013 that more men will approach their personal responsibility to end the war on women less casually than a homophobic elected official requests a private lap dance in a Gentlemen’s club. I hope men will wake up and speak up. Nobody ought to have to fight for love.

#3. No substantive gun control legislation will pass anywhere.

Despite my cautious optimism that good men will help to end the the War Against Women, I predict that many other (mostly) men will continue to blame everybody else for an average 33 gun related homicides that will continue to be committed each day this year, as was the case in 2005-2010.

#1984.  Gender equality sooner or later

If some men continue to impose their primitive and violent beliefs on women for their own good, and if women don’t rise up in 2013 to oppose them, I predict that their daughters will. It doesn’t take the talent of a Delphic Oracle to foretell that they have much more to lose.

My Predictions for 2013, Part 3

“The Doctor's latest incarnation is played in by 27-year-old Matt Smith who sports a retro academic-style look. His choice of clothing has prompted sales of bow ties to double, according to a leading fashion retailer. In his first episode on April 3, Smith declared "bow ties are cool" and it looks as though young shoppers have taken his comments to heart.”

The Telegraph, Doctor Who prompts surge in popularity of bow ties

Not all my predictions for next year amount to quarrelsome rants. To reassure you that it’s not all bad news I foresee in 2013 here are a few (mostly) happy fun time predictions. Not only are bowties cool in the New Year, tattoos aren’t.

#7.  Bowties will continue to be cool

 

Who are we to question The Doctor.

#4. Tattoos will cease to have any cool cachet among suburban kids with too much disposable income.

In my crystal ball, I see tattoos fading in 2013. New tattoos will be inked mostly by/on job creating small business owners running meth labs, convicts using homemade (non-radioactive) tattoo ink derived from Bic pens, and carnival sideshow freaks. And I’ll tell you why.

#5. The Fastest Will Survive 

As implausible at this may seem, I foresee that the event precipitating this decline in middle-class tattooing will come from an unexpected if tragic quarter. Through the early spring into summer 2013 the epidermis of thousands of formerly hip white kids will reach a critical mass of radioactive commercial tattoo ink and they will spontaneously combust in dirty bomb of bad taste, tragically injuring innocent bystanders, seniors driving Hoverounds with low batteries, obese people in mall food courts who are not able to run beyond the blast zone fast enough, and sadly, innocent people of good taste with a rudimentary grasp of what the skin aging process does to tattoos. Young women with pastel butterfly tramp stamps will, understandably, be the cause of the greatest devastation. But the good news is that the tattoo martyrs will not have died in vain. And I'll tell you why.

#5. Tattoos will be regulated, thus ensuring only criminals have tattoos.

I predict something good will come of this. Compassionate Americans will come together at candlelight vigils and speak out against the tragically preventable violence of what will become known as the Tattoo Spring. Conservative media will endorse growing public sentiment opposing senseless violence against innocent victims. Responding to the voices that elected them, government officials will pass laws limiting the cumulative amount of tattoo ink that can safely be applied to a human without turning them into the equivalent of inadvertent radioactive suicide bombers. Incidentally, All Laser Erasing Corporations will draft such model laws. Ok, I’m still messing with you. 

May 2013 be less than you fear, more than you hope, and may J return home safely.