My Predictions for 2013, Part 1

"You call us with your silent seas

You call us in our tiny boats

Gather us up with the storm

And cast us out upon the shore

All things beautiful, all things beautiful

I want everything, I want everything

I want everything, I want everything

You’re deep inside this fecund swamp

Or let it be your beating heart

You’re deep inside this fecund swamp

You call us in our tiny boats"

 - Cracker, I want Everything

If I can remember my newest password to this blog, I hope to chronicle my predictions for 2013 while there’s still time. Let’s start with the low hanging forecasts. 

#42. Everyone will continue to want everything. 

That was easy. What else?

#1. The War on Women will end in tears. Specifically, men’s tears.  

In 2013, the collective realization will begin to dawn on many men that it is too late to try to return to the thrilling days of yesteryear when American women had a status akin to Afghan women. Amongst themselves in private dining rooms, digesting $1,000 a plate dinners, these men will listen to speakers at podiums admit that such attempts to reverse evolution are not only antiscientific and futile – because evolution is, you know, real science – and because, surprisingly, most American women can read Greek Comedy and extrapolate.

#18 For the first time in a while, actions will have consequences.

I predict that consensus among men will gradually spread beyond their exclusive secret tea parties. They will cease attempts to subjugate women. They will be struck by the blinding insight that leaving women and their bodies alone is the lesser evil when compared to being cut off from women’s caregiving child raising cooking laundry housekeeping income sharing services not to mention conjugal favors. Ok, now I'm just messing with you.

#28  The suburban streets of America will run with blood

I don’t know if that is one of the signs of the coming apocalypse, but it should be in every oracle's predictive tool box. Because unbeknownst to more primitive males easily seduced by the illusion that might makes right, women are already beginning to synchronize their menstrual cycles. Once this process - mysterious because it’s, you know, about fecund female swamps - is completed, women will rise up and open a big can of shut the fuck up on the boys.

#11. Past will be prologue.

Sadly, too many men will be caught in this changing tide, realizing too late, and they will be left standing in echoing legislative chambers attempting to create jobs by banning abortions. These men will be mocked by female legislators whose collective laughter drowns out the sound of their quivering voice as they read their proposed mandatory trans-vaginal ultrasound laws to a room otherwise empty of grown men and other adults who can say "vagina".

Bonus Pediction

This is for men who continue to wage war upon women. Remember that women are generally stronger than men. Women will metaphorically smack you upside the head like tiny boats cast upon the shore. Like your mammas should have.