Saturday, February 25, 2012

Going Off the Rails

“Today I want you get up and get dressed to lace-up shoes when you first get up in the morning. This means fix your hair and face, too. In order for us to change ourselves, we need to remind ourselves of what we are doing. I did this with yellow sticky notes throughout my home to guide me through my day. This was the beginning of my home control journal. I had little notes on my bathroom mirror to remind me to get dressed to shoes. Shine your sink before you go to bed.”

Shining sinks. That’s it? Why didn’t my mother teach me this? I’ve lived my miserable disorganized life sunk in the squalor of sinks stained with grime and particulates filtered from leftover dishwater; scarred with rust resembling bloodstains; slimy with grease gobs around the fixtures; fouled with the odor of an overworked garbage disposal belching undigested garlic and fried cabbage into the miasma of a decidedly unshiny sink overflowing with bowls of dried up uneaten cat food and congealing mystery meat fused to plates with egg yolks; stacked to almost toppling with the evidence of my disorder that shames me every time I shuffle into the kitchen wearing my bedroom slippers with smashed down heels, and a dingy cotton robe trailing its tattered sash behind on the unwept linoleum me to get more Doritos.

It is no wonder that I’ve had to stick notes on my bathroom mirror to remind me to do some stuff like put in my false teeth; put on shoes; and stop doing other stuff like to stop like meth; and spreading STDs; and watching HSN all day.

Shining frickin’ sinks? If I was given to profanity, I would have added some at the end of the previous sentences. Fortunately, I awoke this morning and found a note on the mirror to clean up my potty mouth, and shine some sinks sporting shoes.

What, you ask is Let’s just all hope it’s satire.


Lucy said...

There's probably a maxim which suggests if something needs a sticky note to be remembered, it's not worth remembering.

We have an advert on British TV at the moment where a man who is hosting a party wonders where all his guests have vanished to. He discovers them in the bathroom with his wife where she is showing them how to clean the tiles.

Les said...

...and that was just in your kitchen sink, how about what's found in the bathroom sink?

Katie Swanberg said...

I know this is going to make me sound like a total rube, but I honestly learned how to clean house from that site. (I was never taught how as a child.) I didn't follow all the crazy weirdo suggestions, just the nuggets contained here and there. I still don't put on my shoes in the morning (or get out of my pajamas for that matter), but I do make my bed now. I guess sometimes you take the good and leave the bad...

PS - I'm not even kidding, my captcha to comment on this post is "sinkagent rutiona"