Monday, December 31, 2012

My Predictions for 2013, Part 3

“The Doctor's latest incarnation is played in by 27-year-old Matt Smith who sports a retro academic-style look. His choice of clothing has prompted sales of bow ties to double, according to a leading fashion retailer. In his first episode on April 3, Smith declared "bow ties are cool" and it looks as though young shoppers have taken his comments to heart.”

Not all my predictions for next year amount to quarrelsome rants. To reassure you that it’s not all bad news I foresee in 2013 here are a few (mostly) happy fun time predictions. Not only are bowties cool in the New Year, tattoos aren’t.

Who are we to question The Doctor.

#4. Tattoos will cease to have any cool cachet among suburban kids with too much disposable income.
In my crystal ball, I see tattoos fading in 2013. New tattoos will be inked mostly by/on job creating small business owners running meth labs, convicts using homemade (non-radioactive) tattoo ink derived from Bic pens, and carnival sideshow freaks. And I’ll tell you why.

#5. The Fastest Will Survive 
As implausible at this may seem, I foresee that the event precipitating this decline in middle-class tattooing will come from an unexpected if tragic quarter. Through the early spring into summer 2013 the epidermis of thousands of formerly hip white kids will reach a critical mass of radioactive commercial tattoo ink and they will spontaneously combust in dirty bomb of bad taste, tragically injuring innocent bystanders, seniors driving Hoverounds with low batteries, obese people in mall food courts who are not able to run beyond the blast zone fast enough, and sadly, innocent people of good taste with a rudimentary grasp of what the skin aging process does to tattoos. Young women with pastel butterfly tramp stamps will, understandably, be the cause of the greatest devastation. But the good news is that the tattoo martyrs will not have died in vain. And I'll tell you why.

#5. Tattoos will be regulated, thus ensuring only criminals have tattoos.
I predict something good will come of this. Compassionate Americans will come together at candlelight vigils and speak out against the tragically preventable violence of what will become known as the Tattoo Spring. Conservative media will endorse growing public sentiment opposing senseless violence against innocent victims. Responding to the voices that elected them, government officials will pass laws limiting the cumulative amount of tattoo ink that can safely be applied to a human without turning them into the equivalent of inadvertent radioactive suicide bombers. Incidentally, All Laser Erasing Corporations will draft such model laws. Ok, I’m still messing with you. 

May 2013 be less than you fear, more than you hope, and may J return home safely.

Friday, December 28, 2012

My Predictions for 2013, Part 2

“Bill Nye says ‘Yo science ain’t to paint a pretty picture’
Sculpt a brain, yo talk insane, inform your little sister
One last breath of fresh air till I dive into its game
I call it pseudo science, and it's all I'll ever need…

Well maybe he was right
No maybe he was wrong
Well maybe he was right
No maybe he was wrong
Well maybe he was right
No maybe he was wrong
I knew this all along
I knew this all along…

Bill Nye aint right babe, yeah he's fresh outta site babe
Like my sick minor chords, it's all just pseudo pseudo pseudo science
Bill Nye aint right babe, yeah he's fresh outta site babe
Like my sick minor chords, it's all just pseudo pseudo pseudo science"

 - Lexi Sayok, Pseudo Science

My rain gauge birdie says 3 inches of rain have fallen in my backyard this month. This might be an example of how Real Science works. Here are a few more of my unscientific predictions for the coming year.

#3. The truth will not set us free.
This coming year, I predict that Pseudoscience will continue to kick Real Science’s ass the way an aging school bully with an expired concealed carry permit schools his womenfolk by punching their faces and raping them. 

Left unresolved I predict that such misbehavior will, increasingly, escalate into the discharge of loaded weapons at anybody else presuming to judge Pseudoscience’s teaching methods.

By Real Science I mean provable, repeatable, conclusive facts - a system of reason that questions evidence, refutes it where possible, and repeats the results predictably.

And by Pseudoscience I mean a teaching (sic) method (sic) employed mainly in homeschools based on a syllabus that includes ancient myths, biblical wizardry, divinely inspired prophecy, belief in the improvable existence of gods devils garden fairies traditional marriage, and other spurious conclusions derived from these provably false premises.  By Pseudoscience, I mean a system of knowledge (sic) that prefers to equate the validity of facts revealed through real evidence with factoids revealed in Old Testament scenarios. By Pseudoscience I mean a system where meanings of scientific facts are as open to differing but equally valid interpretations as lessons taught by great literary works of fiction and/or the Bible.   

The definitions above are loosely paraphrased from the more lucid but less funny definitions here

#16. Conventional marriage will remain strong despite marriage of The Gays.
The threat to traditional marriage posed by gay marriage will take an unexpected turn when people notice that marriage is not a zero sum game. It will be conclusively proven this year that when the numbers of people who marry others of the same sex increases, the number of people who marry persons of the opposite sex will not decline. (This sequiter ™ brought to you by Real Science and enlightened viewers like you).

Either that, or defenders of marriage will pass draconian laws against The Gays with penalties that will make the punishment of Sodom and Gomorrah seem like a casual barbeque among a small group of friends; penalties that will seem more like a grease fire in a tenement as it smolders into a smoking hole in the ground.

Just remember this prediction: whatever direction the pendulum swings, it will swing on this issue in 2013 like a drunken sailor on a stripper’s pole. 

Thursday, December 27, 2012

My Predictions for 2013, Part 1

"You call us with your silent seas
You call us in our tiny boats
Gather us up with the storm
And cast us out upon the shore

All things beautiful, all things beautiful
I want everything, I want everything
I want everything, I want everything

You’re deep inside this fecund swamp
Or let it be your beating heart
You’re deep inside this fecund swamp
You call us in our tiny boats"

 - Cracker, I want Everything

If I can remember my newest password to this blog, I hope to chronicle my predictions for 2013 while there’s still time. Let’s start with the low hanging forecasts. 

#42. Everyone will continue to want everything. 
That was easy. What else?

#1. The War on Women will end in tears. Specifically, men’s tears.  
In 2013, the collective realization will begin to dawn on many men that it is too late to try to return to the thrilling days of yesteryear when American women had a status akin to Afghan women. Amongst themselves in private dining rooms, digesting $1,000 a plate dinners, these men will listen to speakers at podiums admit that such attempts to reverse evolution are not only antiscientific and futile – because evolution is, you know, real science – and because, surprisingly, most American women can read Greek Comedy and extrapolate.

#18 For the first time in a while, actions will have consequences.
I predict that consensus among men will gradually spread beyond their exclusive secret tea parties. They will cease attempts to subjugate women. They will be struck by the blinding insight that leaving women and their bodies alone is the lesser evil when compared to being cut off from women’s caregiving child raising cooking laundry housekeeping income sharing services not to mention conjugal favors. Ok, now I'm just messing with you.

#28  The suburban streets of America will run with blood
I don’t know if that is one of the signs of the coming apocalypse, but it should be in every oracle's predictive tool box. Because unbeknownst to more primitive males easily seduced by the illusion that might makes right, women are already beginning to synchronize their menstrual cycles. Once this process - mysterious because it’s, you know, about fecund female swamps - is completed, women will rise up and open a big can of shut the fuck up on the boys.

#11. Past will be prologue.
Sadly, too many men will be caught in this changing tide, realizing too late, and they will be left standing in echoing legislative chambers attempting to create jobs by banning abortions. These men will be mocked by female legislators whose collective laughter drowns out the sound of their quivering voice as they read their proposed mandatory trans-vaginal ultrasound laws to a room otherwise empty of grown men and other adults who can say "vagina".

Bonus Pediction
This is for men who continue to wage war upon women. Remember that women are generally stronger than men. Women will metaphorically smack you upside the head like tiny boats cast upon the shore. Like your mammas should have.